cunfoosed

confusion. i know i am far from intelligent, but dang i hate being so confused. the world around me is so confusing. is it just me?
i will never understand some things. i guess no one will. we can all make some educated guesses, but are they ever really proven to be true? neh. we are who we are. change is difficult, almost impossible. why do people want us to change so often, in so many ways? why do i want people to change? i respect other cultures greatly. almost more than my own. (wait, what is my culture?) yet some aspects of others' cultures will never make sense to me. i have always known this could happen. i hear about it all the time. when it hits "home," its harder. much harder. i am remembering that love often hurts.

whats this all about?

i just got off the phone with my senegalese friend in NJ. she is about to send her only child, khoudia (1 yr old), to senegal. many reasons. most of which i do actually understand. america is such a hard place for some people to live. the good 'ol american dream. a blessing to some and a curse to others. my friend and her husband work all the time, don't have much of anything, and never have time to spend with their daughter. sad. i truly love them. they want to send their daughter to live with her grandparents in yoff. they say she'll be happier. that she will forget them. in all, that it will be better. i am upset. i want with all of my might to be able to do something, anything to keep khoudia here, with her family, or to send all of them back together. khoudia will not just simply forget her mother and father. i have no doubt that her family in yoff will take great care of her. they will. they're awesome. it just hurts though. i cannot imagine being a mother and allowing your daughter to move away from you. aita and abdou are not cruel. they are doing what they know to be the best. it may be. but it hurts me. it hurts them. confused.

makes me think about God Above, sending His Son away, down to earth. it wasn't for a better life though. it was to die. for me. for you. for aita, abdou, and khoudia. for all. so that we can live. i want all to understand this sacrifice. its all about love.

love. even if it hurts.

something more

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
but I ain't gonna answer thats for sure.
There's gotta be something more!

*by Sugarland

The above is my new theme song for work.

There is something more! I'm so thankful I have something more to live for!

ramblings

classes began today. finally, after three years, school seems natural and makes sense. i now feel so at ease in my classes. i am v. different from the student i was one-two years ago. better. my French classes don't begin meeting until Monday. a few more days to prepare. i am gonna be slow for a while since i haven't studied it all summer. ...the end is near...oh yes it is!

wait i forgot to put the cornbread in the oven. ...it'll be ready in a bit.

about my kitchen and me. i love to cook. i only cook about once a week now that i live by myself. many reasons, but one is that my kitchen (if thats what one wants to call it) is 7 feet in length and three feet in width. crazy. its teeny. with a teeny oven that doesn't let you know what setting/degree the burners or oven are on. always an experiment! with two pots on the front eyes, its hard. they're so close together. i laugh at myself everytime i go in there. oh and no pantry. i have converted one of my five closets into one. nice na.

i'm really not complaining. i LOVE my apartment. its just right for me.

okay i can't stop with all the funniness (yes, its a word) about my apartment. ready?

there is about a two inch gap between the bottom of my door and the floor of my apartment. i stuff one of my Senegalese rugs under it while i'm inside.
my toilet has an industrial-like flush handle.
part of my ceiling is falling in above my window.
sometimes my water is brown like in Africa.
when winter gets here it will be interesting, b/c there is an old radiator.
there is only out electrical outlet in the kitchen and it is behind the fridge. oh my.

i have lived here for three months now. i truly love it. the view from the tenth floor is awesome. rent is cheap. only utilities are electricity and internet. mongo (huge) tub. and best of all, i'm living alone.

though i am so thankful that i live on the tenth floor rather than lets say the first or third, the elevators are not so good. first of all they scare me. second, they have no ventilation so i am pretty much drenched in sweat at seven in the morning on the way to work. thankful though, b/c i would probably die walking up ten flights of stairs.

all funny to me.

my cornbread and grandmother-grown beans are calling. later.

gas

what's it gonna come to???






in china. a rush for gas b/c there is now a ration there.



one man has decided to "downsize" his vehicle.





is it simply a cartoon? i think not!








hmm. what to do...what to do...

work is only ten minutes away in my car. school too. how come it costs so much. i wish i could walk or ride a bike to work/school for real. right now i think it is impossible. i wish bham had better public transportation. i couldn't roller blade, could i? neh. i guess i'll just go broke. hopefully not literally.

in bham today: $2.59 per gallon.

i look foward to living somewhere where the gas prices won't cause me so much grief. true gas is more expensive overseas. but remember, public transportation is much more reliable, available, and cheaper. ...just another perk!

some like it hot

last night kay and i saw Some Like It Hot at the Alabama Theatre.



it was hilarious. the alabama theatre is beautiful. i can't believe i have lived in bham for three years and have never been. i'll definitely be returning. it was cheap and far from crowded. a blast. you should go.

and in other news:

kay heads back to tn this week. gonna be sad.

summer classes ended last week. fall classes begin this week.

classes of my FINAL semester:
French Composition
French Civilization: Pre-Revolutionary
Eastern European Politics
International Security

*i intend to be a wonderful pretender in my French classes...since they are taught all in French. and the English/French dictionary is my soon-to-be new best friend.

i might go crazy. full-time working and schooling. its almost over!

i have officially applied for my degree.

i have also finished my Journeyman application. i will keep you updated. thanks to those who are praying and are excited with me. i am truly thrilled.

went to the wedding of lisa and scott last weekend in SC. beautiful. pics coming soon. great to spend some time with her and joey. i was grateful for their enthusiasm regarding my journeyman decision.

i need a bike. gas is too expensive. well maybe i won't ride a bike up the huge hill to work every morning and home from school late at night every evening. what to do...

turned

"turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace"


the things of earth are tempting
people are pushy and know-it-alls
pride is overwhelming

i refuse to give in
sometimes its hard
people can be jerks (yes, its true, even Christians)
i can be stupid

its all good
i have been seeking
listening
talking
learning

He wants me, here i am


{i am applying for the journeyman program}

almost swallowed

so thankful that i wasn't swallowed by a whale like jonah.

Yalla baax na!

"the Lord, the Creator and Holy One of Israel says: "Do you question what I do? Do you give me orders about the work of my hands? I am the one who made the earth and created the people to live on it. With my hands I stretched out the heavens. All the millions of stars are at my command."
Isaiah 45: 11-12

yet it is true...

"truly, O God of Israel, our Savior, you work in strange and mysterious ways."
Isaiah 45: 15

however...

"I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask?"
Romans 12: 1

rejoice with me...

"come, everyone, and clap your hands for joy! shout to God with joyful praise! for the Lord Most High is awesome. He is the great King of all the earth."
Psalm 47: 1-2

now that i am free from the hungry whales, i am floating peacefully. i wave as the whales are swimming by.